1- What is this word, spa? I feel like you’re starting to a say a word and you’re not finishing it. Are you trying to say spaghetti? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day? -Charlie
2- “I’m not fat. I’m cultivating mass.” — Fat Mac
3- “I will eat your babies, b*tch.” — Dee
4- Donna: You’re thirty-three years old, you’re supposed to be sexually active! You’re not supposed to be fondling your uncle under the table!
5- “Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land.” — Charlie
6- “If life hands you lemons you can gotta cram ’em down some punk’s throat til he sees yellow.”—Frank Reynolds
7- I’m gonna pinch their dicks with this lobster. -Frank
8- Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn’t be sticking my dick through a wall. -Frank
9- Well, I don’t know how many years on this Earth I got left. I’m gonna get real weird with it. -Frank
10– “You’re a master of karate and friendship for everyone.” — Charlie and Dennis
11- “If you’re not well educated or informed you start your own party and yell the loudest.” Charlie Kelly
12- Well, that’s gonna be a problem; I laser. It’s like a turtle’s shell down there. –Dennis
13- “This is America: you’re either the duper or the dupee. You guys are the dupee.”—Frank Reynolds
14- What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that’s a terrible idea, I’ll tell you why: it doesn’t unbang your mom. Charlie
15– “I eat stickers all the time, dude.” — Charlie
16- Okay, well, “Charlie work” is like, you know, like basement stuff, cleaning urinals, uh, blood stuff, your basic slimes, your sludges, anything dead or decaying. You know, I’m on it. I’m dealing with it. –Charlie
17- I mean, does my scar look like a dog’s vagina? You know, maybe. I don’t know. I’m not gonna sit here and try and get inside the mind of a dog. I mean, that’s God’s work. Well, not that I believe in God. I don’t. Not since that Chinaman stole my kidney. –Rickety Cricket
18- Okay, listen. Listen, you remember that night at Dooley’s pool party? On that fine summer eve, when I did that double jackknife twist and blew everybody’s tits off. You remember that? And then I went down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later that night? –Dennis
19- “My friend Dennis says to never let anyone’s resistance stop you from getting what you want.”—Mac
20- I’m just saying, based on that story that you just told me, I’m fairly certain that those Santas were running a train on your mom for money. –Mac
21- I got my Magnum condoms; I got my wad of hundreds. I’m ready to plow. –Frank
22- Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese. –Dennis
23- Dude, I swear to God, if you try and give me a noogie, I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half. –Dennis
24- “I hate listening to people’s dreams. It’s like flipping through a stack of old photographs. If I’m not in any of ’em and nobody’s having sex, I just don’t care.” — Dennis
25- Mac, I’m gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you’re trying to manipulate me, and it’s not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder, because I’ve got a fatty to burn. -Sweet Dee
26- I will SMASH your face into a- into a jelly! –Charlie
27 – “I don’t know how many years on this Earth I got left. I’m gonna get real weird with it.” — Frank
28- Smoke some cigarettes. The smoke will suffocate the bacteria in your stomach. –Mac
29- Mac, you have an exceptional number of bugs in your teeth. You’re gonna wanna rinse those out. It’s disgusting. –Dennis
30- Animals should be food, rugs and trophies. Why do you think I’m wearing a leather suit? -Frank
31 – If you’re in my room, you’re always being filmed. –Dennis
32- Cat in the wall, eh?! Okay, now you’re talking my language. –Charlie