It tells the story of a group of friends.
1- “If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain’t the kinda pussy to drink it.”-Rory Breaker, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
2- “Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry’s invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn’t do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry’s lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock. He’s then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go. Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.” [his friends and him owe Hatchet Harry some money] -Tom, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
3- “All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on.” [to his young son] -Bıg Chris, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
4- “There’s no money, there’s no weed. It’s all been replaced by a pile of corpses.” [entering into a house after a gunfight] -Tom, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
5- “Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It’s as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don’t think because these boxes are sealed up, they’re empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I’d make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.” [he’s selling stolen jewelry]-Bacon, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
6- “We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you’re carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don’t look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist!”-Winston, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
7- “You’re lucky you’re still breathing, let alone able to walk. I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.”-JD, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
8- “Golf – the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it’s a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.” -Dog, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
9- “Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash, so I’m gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise, I will take a finger of each of you and your friends’ hands for every day that passes without payment. And then, when you run out of digits, your dad’s bar, and who knows what then. All right, my son?” –Barry The Baptist, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
10-“[Trying to stop his monitor switching off] Come on! Not now, please, not – [monitor goes off] oh, you f***ing bastard.” –Barry The Baptist, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
11- “No mortgages, no debts – lock, stock, the f***ing lot.” – Barry The Baptist, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
12- “We’re gonna do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red.”-Rory Breaker, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
13-“This white shite thinks he can steal my cannabis and sell it back to me? He’s got less brains than you, Lenny! Get Nick, the greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, round here now, if he’s still stupid enough to be on this planet!” -Rory Breaker, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
14-“Mr. Breaker. Today, my name is Mr. Breaker! ” -Rory Breaker, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
15- “What do you want, a medal? I’ll shoot you in the f***ing throat if I don’t get my ganja back!” -Rory Breaker, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
16- “Cupid, stupid!” -Soap, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
17- “[To Dog holding up a gun] Bend over the f***ing desk!” -Bacon, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
18- “[To Tom about the guns] So, the only thing connecting us to the case is in the back of your car, which is parked outside?” -Eddie, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
19- “No, f*** that. You can think about it. I am panicking and I’m off.”-Eddie, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
20- “Anyway, f*** it. The battle is over and the war is won.” -Eddie, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
21- “They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at.” -Tom, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
22- “A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.” -Soap, ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
23- “Bacon: The odds are a hundred to one. All we need is five grand.
-Soap: I’d rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse. The odds are a hundred to one for a good reason, Bacon. It won’t win!” -‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
24- “- J: I’ve a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
– Charles: Peace Prize? Oh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.” [discussing their careers as marijuana growers] –‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
25- “- Eddy: The entire British empire was built on cups of tea…
– Bacon: Yeah, and look what happened to that.
– Eddy: And if you think I’m going to war without one, mate, you’re mistaken.”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
26- “- Bacon: What’s that?
– Samoan Jon: It’s a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
– Bacon: No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn’t expecting a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that!” [after Samoan Jon prepared a caribbean cocktail] –‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
27- “- Rory Breaker: What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
– Winston: Look, we grow weed. We’re not mercenaries.” –‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
28- “- Eddy: They’re armed.
– Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
– Eddy: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster… what do you think they’re gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
29- “- Big Chris: I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock. But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, a good father.
– JD: Go on.
– Big Chris: He likes your bar.
– JD: Yes?
– Big Chris: He wants your bar.
– JD: And?
– Big Chris: Do you want me to draw you a picture?” [Big Chris has just explained that JD’s son is in debt with Hatchet Harry] –‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
30- “- Rory Breaker: Your stupidity must be your one saving grace.
– Nick the Greek: Uh?
– Rory Breaker: Don’t “uh” me Greek boy! How is it that your fucking stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt’s joke that black cunts don’t get?”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
31- “- Winston: What is that?
– Willie: That’s Gloria.
– Winston: Yes I know that’s Gloria, what’s that?
– Willie: Fertilizer.
– Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer.”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
32- “- Bacon: We’ve hit the jackpot, lads! We’ve got God-knows-how-much of this stinkingweed, a shitload of cash… and a traffic warden.
– Tom: What?
[Bacon holds up an unconscious man]
– Tom: Jesus, Ed, we’ve got a traffic warden!” –‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
33- “- Soap: I’d take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
– Tom: You’d take a pain in the arse for air miles.
– Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
– Eddy: Will you two stop flirting for a minute?” –‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
34- “- Soap: Little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don’t make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit ’em right up. Makes it look like we’re serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
– Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you?
– Bacon: I’m not sure what’s more worrying. The job or your past.” –‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
35- “- JD: So, you in the clear? More importantly, am I?
– Eddy: It appears so.
– JD: Appears? You’d have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.
– Eddy: Well everybody’s dead, Dad. I think that’s about as clear as it can get.”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
36- “- Hatchet Harry: You must be Eddie, J.D.’s son.
– Eddy: Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn’t know your father.
– Hatchet Harry: Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
37- “- Soap: You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
– Tom: They cost me 700 quid. I’m not just going to throw them away. They’re hardly likely to trace ’em back to us, now are they?
– Soap: You really think it’s worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you’re a dick.”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
38- “- Tom: Look, it’s all completely chicken soup.
– Nick the Greek: It’s what?
– Tom: It’s kosher. As Christmas.
– Nick the Greek: The Jews don’t celebrate Christmas, Tom.”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
39- “- Dean: Whoa, whoa Kenny! What are you doing?
– Gary: I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
– Dean: You twat! Can’t you see these people have got no money? They can’t even afford new furniture! We’ve got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people’s feet, whats wrong with you?” [Dean sees Gary holding a candle under the house they’re robbing owner’s feet]-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
40- “- Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
– Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.”-‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’.
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