1- “NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ” -Stephen Colbert
2- “Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.” -Stephen Colbert
3- “Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.” -Stephen Colbert
4- “Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.” -Stephen Colbert
5- “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.” -Stephen Colbert
6- “Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what’s going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.” -Stephen Colbert
7- “Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.” -Stephen Colbert
8- “I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world.” -Stephen Colbert
9- “Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.” -Stephen Colbert
10- “History moves fast. It’s hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!” -Stephen Colbert
11- “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” -Stephen Colbert
12- Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.” -Stephen Colbert
13- “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach… just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.” -Stephen Colbert
14- “I scream, you scream, we all scream… for the truth.” -Stephen Colbert
15- “Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.” -Stephen Colbert
16- “America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.” -Stephen Colbert
17- “Christianity is the best way to cure gayness-just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.” -Stephen Colbert
18- “Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me ‘sir’.” -Stephen Colbert
19- “If Jesus doesn’t have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.” -Stephen Colbert
20- “There’s nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.” -Stephen Colbert
21- “Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.” -Stephen Colbert
22- “There’s nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.” -Stephen Colbert
23- “Agnostics are just atheists without balls.” -Stephen Colbert
24- “They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.” -Stephen Colbert
25- “Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil.” -Stephen Colbert
26- “Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he’s a high school junior.” -Stephen Colbert
27- “They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.” -Stephen Colbert
28- “Hey yogurt, if you’re so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?” -Stephen Colbert
29- “If it’s called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?” -Stephen Colbert
30- “Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.” -Stephen Colbert
31- “The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don’t think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald’s.” -Stephen Colbert
32- “Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.” -Stephen Colbert
33- “Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time – of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid.” -Stephen Colbert
34- “It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.” -Stephen Colbert
35- “In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.” -Stephen Colbert
36- “I believe all God’s creatures have a soul… except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!” -Stephen Colbert
37- “God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.” -Stephen Colbert
38- “If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.” -Stephen Colbert
39- “Make no mistake – they’re coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.” -Stephen Colbert
40- “There’s nothing more I love than McDonald’s dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.” -Stephen Colbert
41- “After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.” -Stephen Colbert
42- “You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They – they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.” -Stephen Colbert
43- “It’s official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.” -Stephen Colbert
44- “I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.” -Stephen Colbert
45- “I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.” -Stephen Colbert
46- “When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday.” -Stephen Colbert
47- “Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.” -Stephen Colbert
48- “I hadn’t intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.” -Stephen Colbert
49- “If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don’t. There’s a big difference. Check your lawyer.” -Stephen Colbert
50- “My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.” -Stephen Colbert
51- “After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!” -Stephen Colbert
52- “Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?” -Stephen Colbert
53- “Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt.” -Stephen Colbert
54- “If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.” -Stephen Colbert
55- “The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun” -Stephen Colbert
56- “it’s back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.” -Stephen Colbert
57- “You don’t want to just do a joke because it works – we can make a lot of jokes work – you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.” -Stephen Colbert
58- “I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?” -Stephen Colbert
59- “Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it’s a slippery slope. Next, you’ll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.” -Stephen Colbert
60- “Opinions are like demo tapes. I don’t want to hear yours” -Stephen Colbert
61- “We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.” -Stephen Colbert
62- “Other people’s deconstruction of your motivations doesn’t help you do what you do. You can’t swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.” -Stephen Colbert
63- “The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it – Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.” -Stephen Colbert
64- “Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it’s an athletic endeavor.” -Stephen Colbert
65- “Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.” -Stephen Colbert
66- “We don’t have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it’ll come flowing toward us like a river.” -Stephen Colbert
67- “Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.” -Stephen Colbert
68- “If I’m doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can’t control the context, I’m loath to do the character.” -Stephen Colbert
69- “Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.” -Stephen Colbert
70- “Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.” -Stephen Colbert
71- “Corporations have free speech, but they can’t speak like you and me. They don’t have mouths or hands…” -Stephen Colbert
72- “For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.” -Stephen Colbert
73- “The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we’re all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.” -Stephen Colbert
74- “The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.” -Stephen Colbert
75- “Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.” -Stephen Colbert
76- “There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.” -Stephen Colbert
77- “I’m fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.” -Stephen Colbert
78- “I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.” -Stephen Colbert
79- “You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!” -Stephen Colbert
80- “Ohio has produced 23 astronauts. Tell me, what is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?” -Stephen Colbert
81- “I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it’s an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you’re talking about politics or the media.” -Stephen Colbert
82- “What punishments of God are not gifts” -Stephen Colbert
83- “I can’t be gay! I’m a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.” -Stephen Colbert
84- “The message of Christ isn’t that you can’t kill me. The message of Christ is you can kill me and that’s not death.” -Stephen Colbert
85- “If you’re injecting fear into other people, then you’re trying to kill their minds. You’re trying to get them to stop thinking.” -Stephen Colbert
86- “I think it. I say it. You hear it. Sometimes, I don’t even think it, I just say it.” -Stephen Colbert
87- “I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.” -Stephen Colbert
88- “Words cannot describe all the things I have left to write” -Stephen Colbert
89- “I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn’t that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.” -Stephen Colbert
90- “Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America’s ills, I’m a man of action.” -Stephen Colbert
91- “Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!” -Stephen Colbert
92- “Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.” -Stephen Colbert
93- “I’m just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.” -Stephen Colbert
94- “Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.” -Stephen Colbert
95- “And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.” -Stephen Colbert
96- “My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.” -Stephen Colbert
97- “I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.” -Stephen Colbert
98- “If there’s a better book than this, I haven’t written it.” -Stephen Colbert
99- “Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.” -Stephen Colbert
100- “I don’t like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.” -Stephen Colbert
101- “This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.” -Stephen Colbert
102- “That’s what’s great about America: that our freedom of religion allows me to interpret the Bible exactly how it fits my worldview already.” -Stephen Colbert
103- “If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.” -Stephen Colbert
104- “I’m off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.” -Stephen Colbert
105- “I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.” -Stephen Colbert
106- “I love making observations. That one is a classic example.” -Stephen Colbert
107- “I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.” -Stephen Colbert
108- “Look, I’ve got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them.” -Stephen Colbert
109- “Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.” -Stephen Colbert
110- “The skinnification of America’s jeanscape has gone too far.” -Stephen Colbert
111- “Baby carrots are making me gay.” -Stephen Colbert
112- “If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.” -Stephen Colbert
113- “You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?” -Stephen Colbert
114- “Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.” -Stephen Colbert
115- “Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state
that makes people want to flee the Earth?” -Stephen Colbert
116- “I am no fan of books.” -Stephen Colbert
117- “Equations are the devil’s sentences.” -Stephen Colbert
118- “The more you know, the sadder you get.” -Stephen Colbert
119- “All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.” -Stephen Colbert
120- “If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.” -Stephen Colbert
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