married with children tv show quotes
Al Bundy: “I blame TV.”
Al Bundy: ” Peg, if you want this house to look better, dust. If you want it to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave.”
Peggy Bundy: “You male corpses are all alike; never a thought for the woman who spent her life getting you into that grave.”
Al Bundy: ” I, too, am a great believer in love. I want to find it myself some day. Let me give you a little bit of advice. Bed ’em, don’t wed ’em. Do ’em, don’t woo ’em. Date ’em, don’t mate ’em.”
Al: “I hate life, life hates me.”
Peggy Bundy: “Oh Al, I never wanted your life. I just took it because it was there.”
Al : “Sure, before you marry them, all women say they like football. But as soon as you say ‘I do,’ they put on about 40 pounds. And the only ‘hike’ you see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives! As for me…I work for a living!”
Al Bundy: “I’m never voting again. Like marriage, no matter who you choose it’ll turn out bad. Unless your rich. They get everything they want. Well, fine. Let them have their birds, and their clean air… even their new presidents. But we cared about beer and they took it away from us. Yeah, sure, what do they care if a man who sells shoes, or fixes cars, or totes that barge, or spears that doody in the park has to use his whole paycheck to buy one beer? What do they care? They’re at their outdoor restaurants eating their little pizzas and drinking some fine wine in the no-smoking section with their sexy, skinny second wives while we’re breeding with peasant stock. No offense, Peg. One thing I know, we’re never going to win through the system. Voting has never been the American way. We didn’t get away from that pansy country England by voting. We did it by throwing their stinking tea in our American harbor. And why? Because Americans don’t like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don’t like wine. We like beer. Ice cold. Ice cold, best in a bottle, but find in any way you can get it, belching, burping, wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it beer. So let’s show them how a man votes. Let’s get blitzed and take it to the streets. Let’s strike a blow anywhere they dine alfresco, anywhere they eat Brie cheese, and any way they wear their pants up high around their waist in the European way. The only thing Americans understand is mindless Tom and Jerry cartoon violence. So, let’s go kick some elite butt. Give me beer, or give me death!”
Kelly: “Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do nothing, I want to be nothing.”
Al: “Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map.”
Peggy Bundy “We’re Bundys. We don’t call the cops. People call them on us.”
Al: “Your mom’s the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn’t there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.”
Al : “Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.”
Peggy Bundy: “Men, the one thing they’re good for, they’re not good at.”
Peggy Bundy: “Men are such idiots and I married their king.”
Peg: “Al, I want sex.”
Al: “Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn’t worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.”
Al: “It’s only a game if you win but if you lose it’s a stinking waste of time.”
Kelly: “Bud, I’m gonna kill you, and then I’m gonna bury you alive!”
Al: ” This woman came in and she was so fat she actually had 3 smaller women orbiting around her.”
Kelly: ” Quoth the raven: Demi Moore.”
Al: ” Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid.”
Al: ” I’m a shoe man, born and bred, dammit.”
Al Bundy: “I wonder what the poor people are doing…”
Peggy: “I hate barbecues. I hate Labor Day. I hate watching buzzards circle while I’m having sex.”
Al: “I hate my life. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t bury the wife in the backyard.”
Al: “Why doesn’t the world die?!”
Kelly: “Why doesn’t the world explode into a firey, pus-filled death? A fat woman comes to the gate today, her mu-mu covering what must’ve been three or four heinies. Now, she could exit through the little, itsy-bitsy turnstyle or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming, so I had to do something. So I got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke “Let’s Get Big” exhibit, and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hot-wired the Enterprise, and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad’s mouth, right into the Facts of Life fan club pavillion. Thank god it’s always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?”
Al: “My toilet’s not a man! My Ferguson has become…Fergie!”
Al: “I’m blind and I smell like summer rain!”
Al: “The last thing a guy wants to look at at the end of the day is a woman.”
Al: “Peg, I’m not a cartoon; I’m almost a human being, dammit!”
Peggy : “I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with.”
Al: “The opera isn’t over until the last heterosexual falls asleep.”
Al: “I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable!”
Al : “I’ve had a rotten day, and I’m in a foul mood. A fat woman came into the shoe store today and said that she was a size five. I shoved her hoof into a shoe, my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe. She panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me on the floor behind her. Thank God a stick of butter popped out of her purse, so I was able to grease my way out of there.”
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