The Office Dwight Schrute Quotes
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires. But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.” – Dwight Schrute
“It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.” – Dwight Schrute
“The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.” – Dwight Schrute
“D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific.” – Dwight Schrute
“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.” – Dwight Schrute
“A thirty year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” – Dwight Schrute
“People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.” – Dwight Schrute
“Of course Martial arts training is relevant… Uh, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ… You know what, you can go to hell, and I will see you there. Burning!” – Dwight Schrute
“‘R’ is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’” – Dwight Schrute
“Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.” – Dwight Schrute
“Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!”” – Dwight Schrute
“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.” – Dwight Schrute
“I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly.” – Dwight Schrute
“I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-seized in England.” – Dwight Schrute
“Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.” – Dwight Schrute
“I am faster than 80% of all snakes.” – Dwight Schrute
“Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because… I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.” – Dwight Schrute
“How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working. Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable. ” – Dwight Schrute
“The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.” – Dwight Schrute
“Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.” – Dwight Schrute
“I never smile if I can help it, Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for it’s life.” – Dwight Schrute
“Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.” – Dwight Schrute
“I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.” – Dwight Schrute
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.” – Dwight Schrute
“Trust me, you are going to want to heeeeeat, my words.” – Dwight Schrute
“I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, “Fleece it out.” “Going mach five.” “Dinkin’ flicka.” You know, things us Negroes say.” – Dwight Schrute
“I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose And a panther.I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose And a panther.” – Dwight Schrute
“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.” – Dwight Schrute
“The eyes are the groin of the head.” – Dwight Schrute
“I am better than you have ever or ever will be.” – Dwight Schrute
“Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep. *crunch*” – Dwight Schrute
“I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.” – Dwight Schrute
“I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head-on, and I will succeed, and I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me.” – Dwight Schrute
“When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.” – Dwight Schrute
“Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.” – Dwight Schrute
“Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.” – Dwight Schrute
“In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.” – Dwight Schrute
“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.” – Dwight Schrute
“I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.” – Dwight Schrute
“I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are… at vision.”” – Dwight Schrute
“A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.” – Dwight Schrute
“People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.” – Dwight Schrute
“Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.” – Dwight Schrute
“Those who can’t farm, farm celery.” – Dwight Schrute
“I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I’d be good at picking the person.” – Dwight Schrute
“Identity theft is not a joke Jim. Millions of families suffer every year!” – Dwight Schrute
“Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.” – Dwight Schrute
“There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.” – Dwight Schrute
“All you need is love. False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.” – Dwight Schrute
“There are 3 things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.” – Dwight Schrute
“It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect.” – Dwight Schrute
“I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.” – Dwight Schrute
“Everyone follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.” – Dwight Schrute
“Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.” – Dwight Schrute
“In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!” – Dwight Schrute
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.” – Dwight Schrute
“My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man.” – Dwight Schrute