The Office Michael Scott Quotes
“There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it— And I am not going to tell them that I’ll be reading their e-mails.” – Michael Scott
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.” – Michael Scott
“I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans!” – Michael Scott
“People are always coming to me. “Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.” No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a… Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call… More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don’t, I don’t want to live like that. I like it here. I don’t want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.” – Michael Scott
“My mind is going a mile an hour.” – Michael Scott
“Abraham Lincoln once said that “If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North,” and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.” – Michael Scott
“Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants… he says something ordinary like… ‘yo, thats shizzle.’ Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.” – Michael Scott
“I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish…sort of a virtual United Nations” – Michael Scott
“Pizza: the great equalizer.” – Michael Scott
“Times have changed a little. And even though we’re still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.” – Michael Scott
“People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.” – Michael Scott
“Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I’d pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.” – Michael Scott
“If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.” – Michael Scott
“The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends.” – Michael Scott
“Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.” – Michael Scott
“I don’t even consider myself a part of society.” – Michael Scott
“I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.” – Michael Scott
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
“Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.” – Michael Scott
“Like right here is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice.” – Michael Scott
“There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles and find true love.” – Michael Scott
“I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.” – Michael Scott
“Why are you the way that you are?” – Michael Scott
“Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.” – Michael Scott
“I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car.” – Michael Scott
“Coffee is a drug. It is quite literally a drug. It speeds people up. It’s not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder-Mifflin in the ’80s before people knew how bad cocaine was… gahhhh, man did they move paper!” – Michael Scott
“The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right, that’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um… yes. In a way. Yeah, like a specialist.” – Michael Scott
“There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke” – Michael Scott
“Starbucks. Oh man, that place is like the promised land!” – Michael Scott
“Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.” – Michael Scott
“I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott
“Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.”” – Michael Scott
“And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate.” – Michael Scott
“In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain; on a boat, who knows, it’s nebulous.” – Michael Scott
“Rich people like pizza, poor people like pizza. White people like pizza, black people like pizza…. do black people like pizza?” – Michael Scott
“Gay porn, straight porn, it’s all goooood. I don’t particularly get into this, but you know what, I totally see the merit. And actually, it is quite beautiful.” – Michael Scott
“It’s like with firemen. You don’t leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.” – Michael Scott
“I have cause. It is beCAUSE I hate him.” – Michael Scott
“Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.” – Michael Scott
“You know what they say, ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice…strike three.’” – Michael Scott
“This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.” – Michael Scott
“Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws ’em off.” – Michael Scott
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott
“A woman shouldn’t have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I’m hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that.” – Michael Scott
“What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.” – Michael Scott
“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.” – Michael Scott
“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So, you know you are getting the best possible information.” – Michael Scott
“There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman than having to listen to a bad salesman. It’s like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.” – Michael Scott
“If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn’t tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se but I would just get really quiet all of a sudden.” – Michael Scott
“I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend.” – Michael Scott
“You are all successories!” – Michael Scott
“Make friends first. Make sales second. Make love third. In no particular order.” – Michael Scott
“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.” – Michael Scott
“I had a choice. Either living with myself, or being happy.” – Michael Scott
“Whispering and tickling have their place in business.” – Michael Scott
“The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary, and they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!” – Michael Scott
“Yeah, whatever. No big deal. The hottest girl in the world loves me.” – Michael Scott
“Hey Goldenface! Go puck yourself!” – Michael Scott
“An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.” – Michael Scott
“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.” – Michael Scott
“Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.” – Michael Scott
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