Malcolm Tucker The Thick of It Tv Show Quotes
Malcolm Tucker : “I read all the blogs. Because basically I’m an underemployed fat fucking loser with nothing better to do with my time than sit in my bedroom like a fat space hopper in a tracksuit reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat farting fucking losers.”
Stewart Pearson : You know, I’ve spent the last ten years detoxifying this party. It’s been a bit like renovating an old, old house. Oh, you can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd…homophobic roof-tile, but after a while you begin to realize that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundation is built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts.”
Malcolm Tucker : “You got ‘on the record’ and ‘off the record’ fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, George Martin had done that? We’d have no fucking Beatles, that’s what. Now, I don’t give a fuck about that, I’ve had to fucking sit next to Paul McCartney at fucking Chequers.”
Malcolm Tucker : “People don’t like their politicians to be comfortable. They don’t like you having expenses. They don’t like you being paid. They’d rather you lived in a fucking cave.”
Malcolm Tucker : “Sacked after twelve months, looks like you’ve fucked up. Sacked after a week, looks like he’s fucked up.”
Terri Coverley : “The problem is that if you say to a journalist, ‘Can you avoid that topic?’ that’s when they really go for it. It’s like saying to the school bully, ‘I’ll wet myself if you tickle me.'”
Nicola Murray : “Oh, great, I’m flypaper for dickheads today.”
Malcolm Tucker : “I’ve got a to-do list here that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.”
Malcolm Tucker : “I’ll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.”
Ollie Reeder : “This inability to talk without using Lord of the Rings metaphors is one of the very many reasons that we could never be friends.”
Ollie Reeder : “I’d like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death. But that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.”
Malcolm Tucker : “Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That’s what you are to me.”
Malcolm Tucker : “Well, half an hour you were in with a shot. This is half an hour hence! We’ve fucking time travelled, yes? We’re in a weird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe outside the polar ice caps have melted, maybe there’s fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall’s the new pope. Maybe you can download rice!”
Peter Mannion : “I’m sensing a change in management styles. From touchy-feely to smashy-testes.”
Nicola Murray : “We are a dying government! Our hair’s falling out and we’re coughing up blood and our kids are asking us to change the will.”
Nicola Murray : “I am standing in a factory that makes fans, right, and a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine!”
Malcolm Tucker : “Jesus Christ, see you, you’re a fucking omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you fuck up.”
Hugh Abbott : “I think we’re lucky that ‘citizenship’ was the first thing that came to mind. Otherwise we could have been The Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.”
Malcolm Tucker : “Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they’d fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden, fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela — fucking Nelson Mandela — walk to freedom, and said ‘Is Diagnosis: Murder not on the other side?'”
Malcolm Tucker : “Don’t you ever, EVER call me a bully…. I’m so much worse than that.”
Steve Fleming : “I wouldn’t tell you what I’ve just told you before I told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there’s no point in getting angry because the show’s over. It’s curtains. No curtain call. Everyone loved the show, but it just wasn’t buttering any parsnips any more, brother!”
Nicola Murray : “Well, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm ‘suggested’ that we go to Suffolk. So the kids were miserable, the weather was miserable, and Malcolm phoned to shout at me for looking miserable.”
Terri Coverley : “It’s not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I’ll sell the apples, and if you want me to sell oranges, I’ll go and tell people that the apples, the apples are shit, Ollie, they’re shit. I’ll say ‘Go on, check out our oranges!'”
Jamie MacDonald : “Are you a horse?”
Malcolm Tucker : “I’ve never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head!”
Malcolm Tucker : “If you’re not a prostitute or a pizza boy, FUCK OFF.”
Hugh Abbott : “They should just clone ministers, you know, so we’re born at 55 with no past, and no flats, and no genitals.”
Malcolm Tucker : “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, you won’t hear any more swearing from us, you MASSIVE! GAY! SHITE! FUCK OFF!“
Jamie MacDonald : “From now on, it’s a proper fight. It’s pub fight, Motherwell rules. And Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fuc*in’ eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fuc*in’ eye!”
Peter Mannion : “Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?”
Malcolm Tucker : “I fucking love ghee. It’s like freebasing butter.”
Malcolm Tucker : “Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.”
Nicola Murray : “Fire up the turbo-chargers and set phasers to equality. It’s Murray time!”
Glenn Cullen : “It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.”
Malcolm Tucker “Are you producing porn for the visually impaired? Because what I’m hearing on my radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked.”
Terri Coverley : “We don’t exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.”
Hugh Abbott : “Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced, ‘I’m the fucking daddy!’.”
Malcolm Tucker: “Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know; steely jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before you get to the point when they’re sitting round in the pub saying ‘Oh, that fucker’s got to go!’ you surprise them! ‘Blimey, he’s gone! I didn’t expect that! Resigned? You don’t see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!’ How about that, eh? What a way to go!”
Glenn Cullen : “This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can’t pick up shit, they can’t throw shit, they can’t do shit.”
Peter Mannion : “Have you ever Googled your own name? It’s like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are.”
Malcolm Tucker : “You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fuckin’ skin off, I will wear it to your mother’s birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fuckin’ Rhapsody, right? Now get out of my fucking sight!”
Malcolm Tucker : “He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.”
Hugh Abbott : “I work, I eat, I shower. That’s it. Occasionally… I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That’s what it’s come to. I sit there and I think, ‘No, I’m not going to read The New Statesman. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.’ Is that normal?”
Ollie Reeder : “You like bath salts, you’re basically an idiot.”
Malcolm Tucker : “Fuckity bye!”
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