Maury: So let me get this straight, you can’t jerk off to Missy, and you can’t jerk off to NOT Missy, what the hell are you gonna jerk off to?
Nick : Jessi, I loved it. A few small thoughts. You sang great. The breath in here is… it’s terrible.
Guy Bilzerian: Love is dead, so let’s bury the body together
Andrew: This place looks like the Holocaust Museum.
“Wow, ok a lot to process, on the one hand we get to watch porn but on the other we might have to eat cum but on the third hand I’m looking at prepubescent Nick and I don’t think his frosting factory is open for business yet but on the forth hand that fucker punched you in the face so he can eat a dick and a jizzcuit”
Daniel: This is a witch hunt just like the crucible, all I wanted was a blowjob at a high school party, is that such a crime?
“A button-up shirt?” “You mean a gaping butthole and 10 clits?”
Tell him to send a dick pic, girls love that, especially when it comes out of nowhere with like zero context”
Maury: Good night, you prince of Westchester, you king of the tri-state area.
Coach Steve: Oh don’t worry about it Nick, opinions are like assholes; keep them away from your basketballs
Matthew: Ugh, I can’t believe I’m in the seventh grade and already over high school. These fucking people
Maury: Look, I know this all seems embarrassing right now but maybe one day, you’ll look back on this time fondly and perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.
“There’s another slit in the back but that’s only for my birthdays”
“We’re going to clear more cookies than a fat kid at a birthday party.”
Maury: Hey before we start, I want you boys to meet my fiancé Candace. She’s absolutely perfect. I mean the only downside is the dick splinters
Coach Steve: I gotta be honest with you. I know I seem like a real gigolo, but actually I’m a little nervous because I’m a total virgin.
“Why do you smell so good?” “Because I don’t use deodorant and I only take bhubble bayths.”
Barbara : You could have been lured into an electronics store by a pushy Israeli and forced to buy a camera you don’t want.
Andrew: *wakes up after wet dream* Ugh, it’s everywhere, it’s in between my God Damn toes
Maury: Hey man I got a medical emergency so I gotta bounce. Jack off twice and page me in the morning.
Jay: How long is the gestational period of a human-pillow hybrid?