Jason Mendoza : “I love getting my name on stuff. In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me ’cause I kissed a bat on a dare. ”
Chidi Anagonye : The world is empty. There is no point to anything and you’re just gonna die. So do whatever!
Tahani Al-Jamil : I have an idea, but it’s a little risky. I need you to act as my bodyguard. Like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard, “The Bodyguard.”
Jason Mendoza : I’m too young to die and too old to eat off the kids’ menu. What a stupid age I am.
Jason Mendoza : My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand SeaWorld. Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish, and instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.
Eleanor Shellstrop : I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Eleanor Shellstrop : Whenever anyone tells me a story about their life I always imagine all the people as being super hot. Otherwise, I quickly lose interest. Do you not do that? You can do it for free.
Eleanor Shellstrop : What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren’t universally good or bad?
Larry Hemsworth: Well, I’m sure you’re busy, you probably wouldn’t want to talk to me. I get it, I wouldn’t either. I’m as dull as a rock. Ugh, even that analogy was boring. I’m sorry, I’m so dull, and I’m ugly. I’m like a rock. Ugh, stupid Larry! Stop talking about rocks!
Eleanor Shellstrop : The closest thing I could find to herbal tea was a root beer I had them throw in the microwave.
Janet : Oh no, not a great start. Eleanor farted and then she blamed it on her chair. That’s gonna cost her at least a few points.
Tahani Al-Jamil : Janet, when I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace’s dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: ‘I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much.’
Eleanor Shellstrop : All humans are aware of death. So we’re all a little bit sad all the time. That’s just the deal.
Michael : While time on Earth moves in a straight line– one thing happens, then the next, then the next, time in the afterlife moves in a “Jeremy Bearimy.”
Michael : Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they’ve never been to. And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever.
Chidi: My whole life has been a torture chamber of indecision and now I’m finally on the path to understanding why. And the only reason why that’s happening is because you walked into my office and you said you wanted to be a better person.
Eleanor Shellstrop : Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?
Eleanor Shellstrop : I’m really good at telemarketing. I can usually guess how long to microwave food without looking at the box. I’d say those are my two main skills.
Tahani : The whole point of this afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me. And yet even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah. Which is exactly the point. I was never going to be enough for you, never going to earn your respect.