1- Pam Beesly : I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.”
2- Kevin Malone : “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
3- Pam Beesly : “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.”
4- “If You Pray Enough, You Can Turn Yourself Into A Cat Person.”
5- Michael Scott : Why are you the way that you are?”
6- “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them.”
7- Michael Scott: I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
8- “I Am Fast. To Give You A Reference Point I Am Somewhere Between A Snake And A Mongoose… And A Panther.”
9- Michael Scott: “Call me as ASAP as possible.”
10- Dwight Schrute : “Identity theft is not a joke Jim. Millions of families suffer every year!”
11- “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.’ – Wayne Gretsky’ – Michael Scott”
12- “Saddle Shoes With Denim? I Will Literally Call Child Protective Services.”
13- Dwight: I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are… at vision.
14- Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don’t sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
15- Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
16- Michael Scott: “I don’t even consider myself a part of society.”
17- “I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.”
18- “Every Little Boy Fantasizes About His Fairy-Tale Wedding.”
19- Dwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
20- Michael: Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I’d pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.
21- Michael Scott: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special – baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, “Yo, that’s shizzle”. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
22- Kelly Kapoor : “You guys, I’m like really smart now. You don’t even know.”
23- Michael: Times have changed a little. And even though we’re still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
24- Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.
25- Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just… took ’em all out.
26- “If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”
27- “You Know, A Human Can Go On Living Seven Hours After Being Decapitated.”
28- Angela : If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.”
29- Angela: I’m not gaining anything from this seminar. I’m a professional woman. The head of accounting. I’m in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it’s insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore.
30- Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants… he says something ordinary like… ‘yo, thats shizzle.’ Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
31- Jim: It’s true. I’m having a party. I’ve got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn’t invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it’s nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn’t be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks that I’m making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.
32- “Sometimes The Clothes At Gap Kids Are Too Flashy, So I’m Forced To Go To The American Girl Store And Order Clothes For Large Colonial Dolls.”
33- Pam: Oh God no, Dwight isn’t my friend… Oh my God! Dwight’s kind of my friend!
34- Kevin Malone : “I have very little patience for stupidity.”
35- Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, “Fleece it out.” “Going mach five.” “Dinkin’ flicka.” You know, things us Negroes say.
36- “As A Person Who Buys A Lot Of Erotic Cakes, It Feels Good To Be Represented On One.”
37- Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working. Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.
38- Michael: People are always coming to me. “Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.” No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a… Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call… More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don’t, I don’t want to live like that. I like it here. I don’t want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.
39- Michael: [reading] “This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” [flips to another paper] “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman’s room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.” Gah. “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.”
40- Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because… I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
41-Pam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.
42- Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.
43- Dwight Schrute : I don’t care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin.”
44- Pam: It’s performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don’t really know what to expect.
45- Dwight: A thirty year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
46- Phyllis Vance:“Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.”
47- “Through Concentration, I Can Raise And Lower My Cholesterol At Will.”
48- Ryan: I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael’s pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine.
49- Michael Scott: “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
50- Dwight: I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires. But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.
53- “Disposable Cameras Are Fun But It Seems A Little Wasteful. You Never Get To See Your Pictures.”
54- Andy Bernard: “Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.”
55- “There Are Too Many People In This World. We Need A New Plague.”
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