1- “Alcohol is fun and delicious.” – April Ludgate
2- “I’ll just forge it. I forge government documents all the time.” – April Ludgate
3- “Being nice made me feel terrible.” – April Ludgate
4- “The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late, and weird birthmarks. You can’t make museums about those.” – April Ludgate
5- “I wanted to make fun of stupid people while getting drunk. My two true passions.” – April Ludgate
6- “I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.” – April Ludgate
7- “You don’t add up.” – April Ludgate
8- “I’m going to tell you a secret about everyone else’s job: no one knows what they’re doing. Deep down everyone is just faking it until they figure it out. And you will too, because you are awesome and everyone else sucks.” – April Ludgate
9- “Don’t try to bond with me.” – April Ludgate
10- “I hate talking to people about things.” – April Ludgate
11- “Because I really don’t care what happens to them.” – April Ludgate
12- “My instinct is to be mean to you.” – April Ludgate
13- “I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you.” – April Ludgate
14- “I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.” – April Ludgate
15- “The air is too fresh. It’s disgusting. I can’t breathe. There’s a brook somewhere that won’t stop babbling. Shut up!” – April Ludgate
16- “She’s the cold, distant mother I never had… I love her.” – April Ludgate
17- “Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge.” – April Ludgate
18- “I really only listen to like, German death reggae. And Halloween sound effect records from the s. And Bette Middler, obviously.” – April Ludgate
19- “(Dogs) should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people.” – April Ludgate
20- “Hello, I’m April Ludgate. I’m 20-years-old. I like people… places… and things.” – April Ludgate
21- “So, you’ve gone insane! That’s fun.” – April Ludgate
22- “At least I didn’t make any new friendships.” – April Ludgate
23- “Beauty pageants are idiotic. But I found out that the winner of the Miss Pawnee pageant gets $600. I can be idiotic for $600.” – April Ludgate
24- “Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties where things get out of control and we murder someone, and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret?” – April Ludgate
25- “Ann’s leaving town, and saying painful goodbyes to loved ones. Greatest day of my life!” – April Ludgate
26- “Being a responsible adult sucks butts.” – April Ludgate
27- “Stay back, slut.” – April Ludgate
28- “The air is so fresh. It’s disgusting.” – April Ludgate
29- “I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same, and if you spend more than $5 on wine, you are very stupid.” – April Ludgate
30- “Yes, I am very powerful and feared by many.” – April Ludgate
31- “I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances.” – April Ludgate
32- “I love games that turn people against each other.” – April Ludgate
33- “I’m just gonna live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.” – April Ludgate
34- “I’m going to murder you a thousand times.” – April Ludgate
35- “Leslie said it was a ‘come as you were in the 90s’ party. I assumed it was the 1690s.” – April Ludgate
36- “Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.” – April Ludgate
37- “I just fell backwards into your world, a couple years went by, and now here I am.” – April Ludgate
38- “I don’t care about that prize, but I’m gonna win because I want his happiness to go away.” – April Ludgate
39- “Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?” – April Ludgate
40- “Yeah. I’m trying to find a way to be annoyed by it, but I’m coming up empty.” – April Ludgate
41- “She’s the worst person I’ve ever met. I want to travel the world with her.” – April Ludgate
42- “I wasn’t listening to anything you just said.” – April Ludgate
43- “But then I remembered, alcohol existed.” – April Ludgate
44- “This is my boyfriend, Derek. This is Derek’s boyfriend, Ben.” – April Ludgate
45- “I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.” – April Ludgate
46- “I don’t even want to be here. The air is to fresh. I can’t breathe.” – April Ludgate
47- “I declare that everything you are saying is stupid.” – April Ludgate
48- “What? I love garbage.” – April Ludgate
49- “It’s not mean if he doesn’t know about it, it’s like talking about people behind their backs. Everyone wins!” – April Ludgate
50- “That’s gross. I love it.” – April Ludgate
51- “Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse or did they fire you because you slept with all the doctors?” – April Ludgate
52- “Thank you, alcohol.” – April Ludgate
53- “I wasn’t listening but I strongly disagree with Ann.” – April Ludgate
54- “I very maturely and straightforwardly left anonymous comments about her online.” – April Ludgate
55- “I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I’m lying.” – April Ludgate
56- “I can convince small children that I’m a witch.” – April Ludgate
57- “I want to tell people what to do, then send them far away from me.” – April Ludgate
58- “I was buried in it.” – April Ludgate
59- “It’s because I’m half wolf.” – April Ludgate
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