Name Surname: Jay Leno
Date of Birth: April 28, 1950
From: USA
Occupations: Comedian, Talk-show Host
1- “John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the ‘comeback kid.’ That used to be Bill Clinton’s name – because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.” -Jay Leno
2- “To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!” –-Jay Leno
3- “Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair.” -Jay Leno
4- “We’ve got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick.” -Jay Leno
5- “The big winner last night in New Hampshire – Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?” -Jay Leno
6- “Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table.” -Jay Leno
7- “In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.” -Jay Leno
8- “President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country’s richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.” -Jay Leno
9- “They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he’s going after the wealthy in this country, he’s not just talking. He’s doing it!” -Jay Leno
10- “Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate.” -Jay Leno
11- “What’s the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.” -Jay Leno
12- “I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It’s kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.” -Jay Leno
13- “I think there’s one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.” -Jay Leno
14- “Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald’s hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.” -Jay Leno
15- “There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad.” -Jay Leno
16- “In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said “I believe in god.” But of course The Donald was talking about Himself.” -Jay Leno
17- “It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.” -Jay Leno
18- “I don’t like goodbyes, NBC does.” -Jay Leno
19- “Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.” -Jay Leno
20- “Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.” -Jay Leno
21- “Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil.” -Jay Leno
22- “As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I’m sorry, that’s our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused.” -Jay Leno
23- “Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.” -Jay Leno
24- “I’m a staunch Independant. Every time I think I am a Republican, they do something greedy, and every time I think I am a Democrat, they go and do someting stupid.” -Jay Leno
25- “I looked up the word POLITICS in the dictionary, and it’s actually a combination of two words: poli, which means ‘many,’ and tics, which means ‘bloodsuckers.'” -Jay Leno
26- “I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I’m doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold ‘Em.” -Jay Leno
27- “Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.” -Jay Leno
28- “Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful.” -Jay Leno
29- “Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he’s arguing with three people at once, it’s his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.” -Jay Leno
30- “If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.” -Jay Leno
31- “John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, ‘Hey, shut up! What’s the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'” -Jay Leno
32- “The military said we’ll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have a sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?” -Jay Leno
33- “The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.” -Jay Leno
34- “President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It’s about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.” -Jay Leno
36- “Vice President Joe Biden said today that ‘Syria must be held accountable.’ Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.” -Jay Leno
37- “Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.” -Jay Leno
38- “A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush’s dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.” -Jay Leno
39- “It’s just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that’s when we’ll be going.” -Jay Leno
40- “President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” -Jay Leno
41- “U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?” -Jay Leno
42- “Big scandal on the new ‘Survivor’ series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.” -Jay Leno
43- “Well, it looks like we’ve moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?” -Jay Leno
44- “President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?” -Jay Leno
45- “The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. Pollution? It’s those damn trees.” -Jay Leno
46- “It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.” -Jay Leno
47- “They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.” -Jay Leno
48- “The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.” -Jay Leno
49- “The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.” -Jay Leno
50- “President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?” -Jay Leno
51- “Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.” -Jay Leno
52- “Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That’s scary.” -Jay Leno
53- “George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.” -Jay Leno
54- “As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.” -Jay Leno
55- “The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code – they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.” -Jay Leno
56- “Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That’s so typical. Two cyborgs, ‘Oh, let’s blame the humans.'” -Jay Leno
57- “Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he’s going, why bother?.” -Jay Leno
58- “President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said ‘It’s just springtime.'” -Jay Leno
59- “An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.” -Jay Leno
60- “The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, can’t blame me for that one.'” -Jay Leno
61- “Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.” -Jay Leno
62- “I feel bad for people who die on Valentine’s Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?” -Jay Leno
63- “A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.” -Jay Leno
64- “Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.” -Jay Leno
65- “Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.” -Jay Leno
66- “A Christmas tree–the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.” -Jay Leno
67- “It’s not called cocaine any more. It’s now referred to as Crack Classic.” -Jay Leno
68- “How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?” -Jay Leno
69- “Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News.” -Jay Leno
70- “According to a survey in this week’s Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.” -Jay Leno
71- “Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn’t know there were so many Republicans.” -Jay Leno
72- “The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first.” -Jay Leno
73- “President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That’s why it’s a 60-second spot.” -Jay Leno
74- “Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.” -Jay Leno
75- “John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn’t make it to the National Guard once a month, he’s not going to show up for this.” -Jay Leno
76- “Kerry is saying that Bush never showed up for his national guard duty… and now Bush is on the attack. He’s accusing John Kerry of ducking time in the national guard by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam.” -Jay Leno
77- “They said that President Bush’s war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn’t losing American jobs anymore, he’s branching out to other countries.” -Jay Leno
78- “Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup…. They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years.” -Jay Leno
79- “President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.” -Jay Leno
80- “This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That’s like a record.” -Jay Leno
81- “It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a ‘warm reception’ from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were.” -Jay Leno
82- “Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we’ve been waiting for: “Former president George Bush”.” -Jay Leno
83- “Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.” -Jay Leno
84- “So China’s president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh – meets America’s president. It’s like President “Who?” meeting President “Huh?”” -Jay Leno
85- “Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker.” -Jay Leno
86- “Of course, Republicans still can’t believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. But then Democrats can’t believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book.” -Jay Leno
87- “The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News.” -Jay Leno
88- “Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.” -Jay Leno
89- “Some sad news, President Bush’s lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn’t even know Tony Blair was sick?” -Jay Leno
90- “Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he’s not doing good in Afghanistan either.” -Jay Leno
91- “Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she’ll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she’s going from the big house to an even bigger house.” -Jay Leno
92- “Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that’s when you know a congressman’s in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.” -Jay Leno
93- “So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.” -Jay Leno
94- “That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They’re in bed and she’s says, ‘In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'” -Jay Leno
95- “It’s always bad news when you kill your date.” -Jay Leno
96- “Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you’ve got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.” -Jay Leno
97- “President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn’t remember anything about the 60’s – I guess he wasn’t lying.” -Jay Leno
98- “You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot, live in a coed dorm, have a girl. But you couldn’t have a… hot plate!” -Jay Leno
99- “This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she’ll get his money, he’ll be dead in a week.” -Jay Leno
100- “There’s all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He’s in Mexico campaigning with the very people who’ll be living here by election time.” -Jay Leno
101- “The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won’t solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn’t hurt.” -Jay Leno
102- “Arnold Schwarzenegger has still not officially bowed out of this race. It looks like he’s not gonna run. But I’ll tell ya, if Arnold does run, he better get on the ballot, because you don’t want a write-in with a name like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because people will go – ‘Schwarz, schwarz, oh Davis is easier.'” -Jay Leno
103- “At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” -Jay Leno
104- “Even Arnold’s adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he’d have an Academy Award by now.” -Jay Leno
105- “North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.” -Jay Leno
106- “Show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.” -Jay Leno
107- “According to Kim Jong-Il’s biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess. So if he lived here, he could be in Congress.” -Jay Leno
108- “The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That’s a huge night for college players. That’s the night they start being paid over the table.” -Jay Leno
109- “There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.” -Jay Leno
110- “In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren’t allowed to associate with known felons.” -Jay Leno
111- “President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like ‘the rerun of a bad movie.’ Well sure, there’s a Bush in the White House, the economy’s going to hell, we’re going to war over oil. I’ve seen this movie, haven’t I?” -Jay Leno
112- “Halloween’s coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5 billion pieces of candy.” -Jay Leno
113- “John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He’s going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her – at her bank.” -Jay Leno
114- “Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.” -Jay Leno
115- “More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.” -Jay Leno
116- “Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I’m glad we have a president that can read.” -Jay Leno
117- “When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that’s when you know they’re serious about being president of the United States.” -Jay Leno
118- “A woman in Great Britain has died after being hit in the back of the head by a golf ball, on the first hole. Her husband was so distraught, he only played the front nine.” -Jay Leno
119- “We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obama hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize.” -Jay Leno
120- “The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now using snowplows to run over dissidents.” -Jay Leno
121- “Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.” -Jay Leno
122- “Supporters of Osama bin Laden want to rename the Arabian Sea after bin Laden’s death. They want to call it “Martyr’s Sea.” Please, hiding in your bedroom for six years with the blinds closed? How about “Chicken of the Sea?” -Jay Leno
123- “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.” -Jay Leno
124- “China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.” -Jay Leno
125- “Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What’s next, a health care plan?” -Jay Leno
126- “In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items — like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.” -Jay Leno
127- “The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it – they’re the ones falling down the most.” -Jay Leno
128- “Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because “the states could do a gooder job.” -Jay Leno
129- “We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?” -Jay Leno
130- “Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.” -Jay Leno
131- “Yesterday President Obama said, ‘We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.’ Oh really – how come all those guys on Wall Street got ‘get out of jail free’ cards?” -Jay Leno
132- “The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.” -Jay Leno
133- “I didn’t realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.” -Jay Leno
134- “The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.” -Jay Leno
135- “President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you’re $16 trillion in debt, they don’t let you in.” -Jay Leno
136- “Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.” -Jay Leno
137- “I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, ‘Is everything okay?’ He said, ‘You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.’ That seems a little personal to me.” -Jay Leno
138- “Anybody can have a life. Careers are hard to come by.” -Jay Leno
139- “Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.” -Jay Leno
140- “The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans.” -Jay Leno
141- “While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator.” -Jay Leno
141- “For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin’s Secret Service code name is ‘Denali.’ Turns out ‘Denali’ is an old Eskimo name that means ‘Dan Quayle.'” -Jay Leno
142- “Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years.” -Jay Leno
143- “The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low – in other words, Bush is back on the job.” -Jay Leno
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