1- “In Hollywood, Oscar is king.” -David Letterman
2- “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.” -David Letterman
3- “Honey, what happened to “ladies first”? Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!” -David Letterman
4- “Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That’s pretty fitting, the guy that didn’t beat Bush endorsing the guy who won’t beat Bush.” -David Letterman
5- “John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.” -David Letterman
6- “Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.” -David Letterman
7- “Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.” -David Letterman
8- “Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.” -David Letterman
9- “We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.” -David Letterman
10- “Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I’m telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.” -David Letterman
11- “John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.” -David Letterman
12- “According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.” -David Letterman
13- “Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.” -David Letterman
14- “Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.” -David Letterman
15- “John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers… and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.”
16- “Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.” -David Letterman
17- “Way too much coffee. But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” -David Letterman
18- “One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama’s dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.” -David Letterman
19- “I’m worried about John Kerry, he’s so confident now that he’s already planning his White House sex scandal.” -David Letterman
20- “Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.” -David Letterman
21-“Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.” -David Letterman
22- “Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, ‘I didn’t expect this,’ Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.” -David Letterman
23- “Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.” -David Letterman
34- “Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.” -David Letterman
35- “Father’s Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.” -David Letterman
36- “Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.” -David Letterman
37- “Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?” -David Letterman
38- “The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?”
39- “Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen – he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives.” -David Letterman
40- “They’re saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he’s not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, ‘Well, I can do that.” -David Letterman
41- “Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.” -David Letterman
42- “I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.” -David Letterman
43- “Osama bin Laden… lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.” -David Letterman
44- “Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there’s a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, ‘Well that’s nothing. I like to execute people.'” -David Letterman
45- “The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It’s being called ‘Operation Approval Ratings.'” -David Letterman
46- “Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.” -David Letterman
47- “Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ’90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.'”
48- “Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.” -David Letterman
49- “President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?” -David Letterman
50- “Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.” -David Letterman
51- “North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.” -David Letterman
52- “Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to ‘President Trump.'” -David Letterman
53- “I’m still here. I knocked off another competitor.” -David Letterman
54- “Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” -David Letterman
55- “Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.” -David Letterman
56- “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.” -David Letterman
57- “I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.” -David Letterman
58- “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.” -David Letterman
59- “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.” -David Letterman
60- “The Russian economy is tanking. It’s gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.” -David Letterman
61- “John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he’s only 33 and then he’ll be ready to go.” -David Letterman
62- “President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they’re gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.” -David Letterman
63- “Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” -David Letterman
64- “Kim Jong Un’s sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn’t it?” -David Letterman
65- “Let’s have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.” -David Letterman
66- “Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.” -David Letterman
67- “Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They’re going to hike to the top of his money.” -David Letterman
68- “I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.” -David Letterman
69- “That’s the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don’t press the ball against your nose. The other one is don’t lick the pins.” -David Letterman
70- “Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He’s almost certainly running, and I’m almost certainly retiring, so I don’t care.” -David Letterman
71- “While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.” -David Letterman
72- “Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.” -David Letterman
73- “Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It’s now my screensaver.” -David Letterman
74- “I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.” -David Letterman
75- “In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.” -David Letterman
76- “Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.” -David Letterman
77- “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!” -David Letterman
78- “Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa’s naughty list.” -David Letterman
79- “I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass,… It’s the first time I got dumped in my life.” -David Letterman
80- “Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It’s kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future – wait a minute, that’s me.” -David Letterman
81- “A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.” -David Letterman
82- “Don’t worry. It’s just a flesh wound.” -David Letterman
83- “You’re not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don’t you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?” -David Letterman
84- “Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That’s not the Donald Trump I know.” -David Letterman
85- “The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.” -David Letterman
86- “I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.” -David Letterman
87- “President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It’s all over, it’s been won. I believe this would be Bush’s first uncontested victory.” -David Letterman
88- “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.” -David Letterman
89- “The general election’s taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we’re one step closer to being there for another 10 years.” -David Letterman
90- “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.” -David Letterman
91- “Iraqi’s minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.” -David Letterman
92- “This will be Michelle Obama’s last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.” -David Letterman
93- “Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.” -David Letterman
94- “I don’t like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.” -David Letterman
95- “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”
96- “Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.” -David Letterman
97- “Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.” -David Letterman
98- “I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.” -David Letterman
99- “I worry about Rick Perry. One, he’s too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three… Oh crap, what was three?” -David Letterman
100- “A lot of people think I’m retiring, but I’ve been telling a fib. I’ve been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.” -David Letterman
101- “The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.” -David Letterman
102- “Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, ‘Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'” -David Letterman
103- “Number one: Don’t frisk me. Don’t hurt me physically. Don’t get anywhere near my neck. And don’t call me Regis.” -David Letterman
104- “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.” -David Letterman
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