Red Dwarf Quotes
Kryten: “Things to do: Stop milk, pay papers, invade Czechoslovakia!”
Lister: “Get real man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.”
Kochanski : “Do you think I like living in this big skip with thrusters? I am faced with a neurotic droid who is completely obsessed with my pants drawer.”
Kryten: “”Pub.” Ah, yes: a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.”
Rimmer: “We’d better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?”
Rimmer: “Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.”
Rimmer: “Stoke me a clipper, I’ll be back for Christmas!”
Kryten: “Is this the human value you call ‘friendship’?”
Kryten: “Christian rock music. If that doesn’t scare her off, nothing will.”
Kochanski: “How did I end up like this, on a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?”
Kryten: “I haven’t been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer’s soup.”
Kryten: “Who allowed this man, this pathetic man, this man who could not outwit a used teabag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yogurt!
Katerina: “Something is not right! It’s saying we don’t exist! How can this be possible? “Taking to nearest valid reality”. Makes no sense at all.”
Rimmer: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Apart from pain. And maybe humiliation and obviously death. And failure. But apart from fear, pain and humiliation, failure and the unknown and death, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
Holly: “Well, the thing about a black hole – its main distinguishing feature – is it’s black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?”
Holly: “That’s a load of Tottenham, that is. Yeah, a steaming pile of Hotspur.”
Cat: “According to the damage report machine, there’s several small fires, lots of smoke and the navicom’s fizzing. Oh, damn. Now the damage report machine’s exploded…”
Rimmer: “Kryten, you have a real gift. You make things that are really, really complicated sound really, really complicated.”
Holly: “I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she’s not for you. She’s cheap, she’s stupid and she wouldn’t load, well, not for me anyway.”
Cat: “What the hell happened to my teeth?! I could open beer bottles with my overbite!”
Cat: “S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I’m gonna get it! Yeah! [Cat finds Lister unconscious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!”
Lister: “Your nickname was never Ace. Maybe Ace Hole. “
Cat: “I’m so gorgeous, there’s a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!””
Holly: “Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: this is not a daffodil.”
Rimmer: “I hate your guitar. If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood, I’d have moved in with an Australian soap star.”
Rimmer: “I think we’re losing sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between ‘The League Against Salivating Monsters’ or my own personal preference, which is ‘The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society’. One drawback with that: the abbreviation is c.l.i.t.o.r.i.s.”
Lister : “There’s only three alternatives: it thinks we’re either a threat, food or a mate…. It’s either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we’re not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.”
Rimmer: “Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.”
Cat: “Hey, this has been a really good day. I’ve eaten five times, I’ve slept six times, and I’ve made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I’m going to see if I can have sex with something!”
Cat: “How come you need more memory? Over the years you’ve had more RAM than a field of sheep!”
Cat: “Has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?”
Cat: “I’ve been so worried I haven’t buffed my shoes in my two days.”
Holly: “I am Holly, the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6,000. The same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.”