1- AJ : I love being the chosen custodian of your dream.
2- Josh : Ping-pong girl – she’s like Serena or Venus, just watching her swing affects my penis. You know us dudes, we love to talk about our penises
3- Darryl : It’s not a phase. I’m not confused. Not indecisive. I don’t have the gotta choose blues. I don’t care if you wear high heels or a tie, you might just catch my eye because I’m definitely bi.
4- Rebecca : Oh good, an abstract theatrical space, now I can actually think
5- Rebecca : Maybe we could be the best versions of ourselves if we are together.
6- Nathaniel : Want a doughnut? I told the man to put the most fattening ones in there.
7- Paula : Maybe this dream won’t poop on my face, like a seagull at the beach.
8- Rebecca : Wow…the middle-aged ladies really like Greg
9- Josh : Sorry I’m late, someone asked me to change the water cooler on the way in
10- Paula : Let me tell you how this works – women of equal sexual viability hate each other, even if they pretend to like each other. And that is how it has worked since the day vaginas were invented
11- Greg: We can’t undo, can’t make amends. Dysfunction is our lingua franca. We can’t unscrew each other’s friends – we’re Jerry Springer not Casablanca. There’s hard-to-get, then there’s neglect – to say it’s fate, you’d have to be a bit slow! Not to be crass, but this sucks ass. This was a shit show.
12- Dr. Phil : There’s nothing sexy about depression, Rebecca. Listen, you better get your act together young lady or you’re gonna run this new life off in a ditch.
13- Rebecca : Oh my God! Periods are Code Blue, because blue is the color of the liquids they use in tampon commercials, because men hate that women bleed!
14- Tucker : I love pretzels, they are a funky treat for teens
15- Rebecca : Are that condoms that can prevent these feelings? Is there spermicidal lubricant that can kill the fluttering in my heart? Is there an IUD that can stop the image of you and me?
16- Rebecca : God, pep talks into a mirror do nothing but enhance the loneliness.
17- Josh Chan : I do other things that are sinful. I’ve had premarital sex, lots of it. And sometimes I watch adult content and take care of myself, and I don’t mean in the vitamins/exercise kind of way.
18- Greg: There are no signs. Life doesn’t happen to you, you make decisions. And right now I’m deciding to move forward with my life.
19- Rebecca : Here is a list of all of the objects that I can hold under my boobs: Stapler, ten pencils, paperback copy of Arabian Knights, dog bone, remote control, hardback copy of Wuthering Heights.
20- Rebecca : I’m the villain in my own story, the bad guy in my TV show. I’m the ‘who’ in the ‘whodunnit,’ when I go to hell I’ll run it as Satan’s CFO. He needs someone to do the books. Actually, I shouldn’t do that. I’m terrible with money
21- Rebecca : I wanna lock you in a basement with soundproof walls and take over your identity. I wanna cut the silky hair right off your head and slurp it up like spaghetti.
22- Paula : I’m making pies for people that I hate, which is mixed emotions for me because I like pie.
23- Rebecca : This is why I’m growing out my pubic hair – because it makes me feel like a fierce animal!
24- Paula : It’s what my father always told me, that if I ever tried to make something of myself, that no man would want me and so, I mean, just like the minute that I try to pursue my dreams, my husband ‘accidentally’ falls into another woman’s vagina!
25- Paula If we’re not chasing Josh, then you’re not gonna want to hang out with me anymore. I know it…He’s our glue. He’s what holds us together
26- Paula : My marriage is like The Walking Dead. Okay, we are all just trying to get out alive.
27- Josh : I don’t mind being alone with my thoughts. I’m totally fine alone with my thoughts
28- Rebecca : Here’s what happened, I was in New York, I ran into Josh, he made me feel warm inside like glitter was exploding inside me, then I moved here. I did not move here because of Josh because that would be crazy and I am not crazy.
29- Rebecca : A true friend is somebody who loves you no matter what. Even if your downward dog is horrible!
30- Rebecca : What you’ve got to know is that boobs may be where it’s at, but if you cut them open, they’re just sacks of yellow fat!
31- Rebecca : I’m gonna let destiny take the wheel, like Jesus supposedly does sometimes.
32- Rebecca Bunch : Dear God, I don’t pray to you because I believe in science. But I don’t know what to do. Give me guidance, please. Ah-men. A-men. Amen?
33- Rebecca : I’m a good person that’s my thing, my nickname’s Mother Theresa Luther King
34- Greg: Can I get you a drink? Nothing goes better with a fine lager than a little snark.
35- Rebecca : Ah, not a problem for me. I love a good public poo. It’s like, leave it and forget it – not my mess!
36- Beth : We have to buy onion rings every hour just to keep the wifi going
37- Hector : Whatever you want to say to me you can say to me, my mom, and our 343 subscribers
38- Darryl : I gave him the key to my heart, and now I’m giving him the key to my ap-HEART-ment.
39- Paula : You’re a smart confident woman in charge of your own destiny. That sounded like a tampon commercial
40- Greg: God, I’m an idiot. What am I even doing here? I got caught up in Bunchsanity again, I’m a moron!
41- Nathaniel : Sometimes my body wants things that my mind does not. My body wants things that make my mind go, ‘Uh, body, WHAT?’
42- Rebecca I know. My hair is dark so I look evil but my dress is white which is ironic