1- Professor Impossible: You see Doctor Venture, I found the piece your father hid in the foundation years ago… then I thought about you in physics class. You were a daydreamer. A sassmouth! And, not infrequently, a bit of a gigglepuss! Somehow I doubt twenty years of amphetamines and failure have done anything to improve that.
2- “Humiliating! He brought me back to life. I’m serious, I saw my dead mom and she was all ‘Jefferson, head into the light’. And I was like ‘I can’t mom, I have to stay here and get my ass kicked by a guy made out of fire’.”
3- Brock Samson: I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!
4- “Hank, stop riding The Perfect Man.”
5- Triana Orpheus: Come on dad! I’m going on a date with… the Venture brothers.
6- “What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and you put your di*k in the wee bendy mouth part, you sneak right up your back address, Kay? Then you just grab the middle of that snorkel and you’re fucking your own as* and pulling off your crank at the self-same time.”
7- The Monarch: While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless antique, I was systematically feeding babies to hungry mutated puppies!
8- “If you had a lady like my wife, you’d be in an alternate universe where dogs talk and birds have human pets.”
9- Phantom Limb: “My name….IS REVENGE!” Councilman 8/Dragoon: “Your name is Phantom Limb, you fuc*ing lunatic!”
10- A man approaches you in the shower with a matter rearranger and ZAP… what was once your penis is now a tasteful Noguchi coffee table by Herman Miller.
11- Wonderboy: As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, “replaced with a newer model,” I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. And… I have abandonment issues? More?
12- Dr. Byron Orpheus: When young women reach estrous the um… lingam yearns for the stamen-like skills of the yoni.
13- A man approaches you in the shower with a matter rearranger and ZAP… what was once your penis is now a tasteful Noguchi coffee table by Herman Miller.
14- The Monarch: There’s just so many buttons… so… so many buttons!
15- “Sing me a technotronics song….” Pretty much anything from Victor Echo November is pure genius
16- and “Hank, don’t brag to your brother about your circumcision”
17- Dr. Venture:
So you see, by applying the basic principles of the scientific method to the matter, we learn very quickly that the myth of the chupacabra is just that – utter crap. Now, if you apply the same principles to Catholicism, an interesting thing occurs…
18- “It’s like getting SUCKED OFF by an ANGEL!”
19- “He literally threw me right into the yard of the state prison and he shouts up to the warden, ‘looks like this one won’t be causing any more trouble.’ Then he flies off with this gay salute. Apparently he’s never heard of due process.”
20- Wonderboy:
As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, “replaced with a newer model,” I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. And… I have abandonment issues? More?
21- Man seeks a good time, but he is not a hedonist! He seeks love, he just doesn’t know where to look. He looks under the beds of whores and in the hot stem of a crack pipe. But he should look to nature; gentle aquatic mammals have all the answers!
22- Action Johnny: Looks like you got a little herpe on your lip there. You been kissing your wife’s ass? After I put herpe in there.