1- Claire: Women in their thirties on the Internet, they’re like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.
2- Phil:I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ’em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters like, 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I’m pretty much not afraid of anything… except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh– I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it’s because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?
3- Gloria: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it’s just like how some of my relatives got into this country!
4- Gil : I’m totally gay.
5- Phil: I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ’em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters like, 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I’m pretty much not afraid of anything… except for clowns. Never shared that with the family so, shh– I do have an image to maintain. I am not really sure where the fear comes from, my mother says it’s because when I was a kid I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?
6- Haley: “You’re obviously going to get into one of those snooty schools, and sometimes you’re gonna come in second. Or fourth. Or maybe even tenth. But you’re gonna dust yourself off, maybe put on some lipstick for once, and keep going.”
7- Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He’s a total flake. In fact, the only way he’s like Superman… is that they both landed in this country illegally.
8- Mitchell: I came out of the closet in my mid-twenties. I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it. I’m not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong like I had said, “Dad, I’m gray”
9- Phil: What’s my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird and he becomes one of those weird dudes that walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings? He can fly…
10- Claire : Can you scratch my nose? I feel like you’re closer.
11- Mitchell: “Everyone’s staring at us. I haven’t been judged by this many people since I forgot my canvas bags at Whole Foods.”
12- Phil: I’m the cool dad. That’s my thing. I’m hip. I surf the Web. I text. LOL: laugh out loud. OMG: Oh, my God. WTF: Why the face? Um you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical so…
13- Phil: “I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers; it turns out I’m one of them. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up a stripper.”
14- Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I’m one of them. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up a stripper.
15- Claire: “More than anything, I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. I want them to share clothes and do each other’s hair and gossip about boys, like I used to do with Mitchell.”
16- Phil: Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads or from someone who follows? I’m betting these babies [points to fake mustache] are coming back in a big way. Buy low sell high. People are gonna see this and say… that guy is high.
17- Jay: “The minute they got rid of rotary phones, everything went to hell.”
18- Phil: “Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.”
19- Dylan : We’re like magnets, that sometimes take a break to date other magnets.
20- Gloria: I always wanted a daughter: to dress her up in pretty dresses, do her hair, her nails, her makeup. No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everyone that he was my daughter [laughing]. But just for a few times, I didn’t want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died. [cut to Jay giving her a horrified look]
21- Haley : if it were easy, everyone would be hot.
22- Mitchell : Usually when everything’s normal, people don’t respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.
23- Phil: When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all, ‘Whaaat?’”
24- Cameron : Tarnation! Here comes your kin! Git! Git!
25- Cam : I had a choice to make. Be the better dancer or the bigger man. So I stepped off the dance floor and made the obvious call. You wanna win over a crowd? Invite a lonely mom to dance. She never saw it coming and neither did he.
26- Gloria : I want a White Christmas. You know, like white people have.
27- Gloria : What could be more natural than your mother’s tongue in your ear?
28- Mitchell : I don’t wanna meet anything on Monday that I’m gonna eat on Friday.
29- Gloria : Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my Quinceanera.
30- Cam : You know what I say, I might be coach but I like to travel first class!
31- Luke: “I’ve been thinking of moving out for some time now. There’s a line of ants going to a trick-or-treat bag in my closet, and I don’t want to still be here when they get sick of candy.”
32- Phil: “I’m cool dad, that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face.”
33- Haley : With great hotness comes great responsibility
34- Phil: “I love filmmaking and I love love. I guess you could say I enjoy making love on film and I love doing it by myself.”
35- Cam : We call ourselves the artful lodgers.
36- Gloria : I don’t like another woman in my house. I want to be the star.
37- Phil : If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!
38- Cam : Prepare to feel like an old denim fest because I’m about to be-dazzling you.
39- Claire : Just because he’s behind a curtain doesn’t make him a wizard.
40- Phil : If laughter is the best medicine, consider yourself grape flavored Triaminic.