1- Lemony Snicket : Unless you are a murderer or a taxidermist, it is rare to have actual skeletons in your closet as opposed to metaphorical ones.
2- Count Olaf : This school has a new kind of spirit energy. A sense of unity and joy which you usually cannot find unless you are at a birthday party or a public hanging.
3-Count Olaf : Your cruelty is as sweet as this coffee I’m dumping the sugar into.
4- Count Olaf : Poor little orphan. Haven’t you learned anything this year? Week? Season?
5- Lemony Snicket : Perhaps the hardest part of life on the lam is that you have to keep moving, often in a direction that seems wrong, dangerous or an agonizing combination of both.
6- Lemony Snicket : What is bad news to one person might be good news to someone else. And sometimes, what seems like good news might actually be something full of sadness, misery, and grief.
7- Count Olaf : Girls were falling all over me in school, and not just because I would extend my leg when they walked by. I was a lone wolf, a mysterious stranger, a member of the drama club.
8- Lemony Snicket : What happens in a certain place can stain your feelings for it, just as ink can stain a white sheet of paper. You can never forget what transpired in that place just as words in ink can never be unwritten.
9- Esmé Squalor : Sleep is a natural part of life, like cosmetics or frivolous lawsuits.
10- Lemony Snicket : Sitting with friends, talking about something important is one of the most powerful and necessary forces in the world. It is the way so many noble organizations begin, with a conversation between associates or even brothers.:
11- Esmé Squalor : Starving people can’t eat money. Plus, if we give money to poor people, then they won’t be poor anymore, and we won’t have anyone to feel sorry for.
12- Count Olaf : Please, come in, and mind you wipe your feet on the mat so you don’t track in any mud. And don’t forget your enormous fortune!
13-Justice Strauss : There are countless types of books in this world, which makes good sense because there are countless types of people.
14-Lemony Snicket : Sometimes a story ends before it’s over with unanswered questions, unresolved plots, lingering suspense, blanketing the world like snow. Or like smoke from a suspicious fire.
15- Count Olaf : If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning, you’re going to end up a very lonely man.
16-Olivia Caliban : In every library, there is a single book to answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind.
17- Lemony Snicket : Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can agree what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.
18- Larry Your-Waiter : In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one’s literary and philosophical principles.
19-Justice Strauss : A library is like an island in a vast sea of ignorance.
20- Count Olaf : I thought having prisoners would be fun, but it’s like having a pet or an in-law. You can lock them up, then you have to feed them.
21- Jacques Snicket : My brother once said suspicious activity is like good jazz. We’ll know it when we hear it.
22- Daniel Handler : There’s no word to describe the feeling of waking up and knowing instantly that something is terribly wrong.
23- Lemony Snicket : If you have ever lost a friend, you know that it makes your world feel incomplete, like a puzzle with a piece missing, or one half of a broken spyglass.
24- Lemony Snicket : If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle.
25- Lemony Snicket : Having a brilliant idea isn’t as easy as turning on a light. But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms, the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation.
26-Jacques Snicket : We all learn bravery the hard way.
27- Count Olaf : If you want a mule to move, you can reward it with a carrot or you can hit it with a stick.
28- Count Olaf : You see, a scheme is like a fire. Everything must be in order for it to work. You need matches, torches, an angry mob that won’t listen to reason, and the right sort of kindling. Orphans, for instance, tied to the wooden stake.
29- “Life is a conundrum of esoterica.”
30- Lemony Snicket : Some things in life are difficult to understand, even after years and years of thinking about them while wandering alone through desolate landscapes, usually during the off-season.
31- “The stove is a bit like a servant. You have to whack it sometimes to get it to work.”
32- Lemony Snicket : Sometimes life feels like some dismal story presented as entertainment by some cruel and invisible author. It isn’t a pleasant way to feel. But what choice do we have?
33- Esmé Squalor : People don’t always get what they deserve in this world.
34- Count Olaf : The stove is a bit like a servant. You have to whack it sometimes to get it to work.
35- Lemony Snicket : Marriage is like sharing a root beer float, or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it’s happening onstage, you should only do it with the people you love.
36- Lemony Snicket : What is bad news to one person might be good news to someone else. And sometimes, what seems like good news might actually be something full of sadness, misery, and grief.
37-Hal : Those people that say they want to help you are the ones that let you down the most.
38- Lemony Snicket : To Beatrice – My love flew like a butterfly, until death swooped down like a bat.
39- Larry Your-Waiter : The whole world is cruel. School is just a microcosm.
40- “Money. Hard earned money. The most important substance on earth besides applause and lip balm.”
41- “In a world both frightening and unlucky, there are a few comforts. One of them is making new friends. Friends can make you feel the world is smaller and safer than it really is, because you know people who have similar experiences. When you meet people like that, you may find your world feels a little more complete.