Pierce Hawthorne: “I had a couple of island girls over, one of them must have slipped me a mickey.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges, I’ll always hate him for that.”
Troy Barnes: I’m going to eat spaceman paninis with black Hitler and there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Troy Barnes: “Announcement number two: Butt soup!”
Troy Barnes: “I know you hate it when people do this in movies.”
Troy Barnes: “It was awesome, but also.. it wasn’t?”
Jeff Winger: “The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned, by name, in my suicide note.”
Troy Barnes: “Girls are supposed to dance. That’s why god gave them parts that jiggle.”
Troy Barnes: “I give this year a “D”, for delightful!”
Troy Barnes: “There is a time and place for subtlety, and that time was before Scary Movie.”
Troy Barnes: “I wanna see if wiener dogs are born that way, or if they start off normal and then get wiener.”
Troy Barnes: “Sometimes I think I lost something really important to me, and then it turns out I already ate it.”
Troy Barnes: “If it was cool to eat god, he’d be a chicken finger.”
Troy Barnes: “Hey girl, how you livin’?”
Troy Barnes: “Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?”
Troy Barnes: “How ’bout I pound you like a boy?! That didn’t come out right.”
Troy Barnes: “I’m doctor doogie Seacrest. I think I’m better than everyone else, because I’m forty.”
Troy Barnes: “If we get bit we could turn into a zombie. The banana said so.”
Troy Barnes: “First time I was punched in the face, I was like “Oh no!”, but then I was like “this is a story..””
Troy Barnes: “Do they find thoughts in our butts?”
Shirley Bennett: “Usually, I walk out on a bad movie, but this sounds collegy.”
Shirley Bennett: “Being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You’re like a unicorn.”
Shirley Bennett: “I took this boy all the way to tinkeltown!”
Shirley Bennett: “Kind people are always kind, not just when it’s easy.”
Shirley Bennett: “Alright! You got me, Gubi. I’m a bad mother. But at least I let my kids be kids.”
Shirley Bennett: “I’ll make your ass sense!”
Abed Nadir: “Some flies are too awesome for the wall.”
Annie Edison: “It’s not a pen, it’s a principle!”
Abed Nadir: “Cool cool cool.”
Abed Nadir: “You can do whatevey you want, you just have to know what that is.”
Abed Nadir: “I see your value now.”
Abed Nadir: “We’ll definitely be back next year. If not, it’ll be because an asteroid has destroyed all human civilization. And that’s canon.”
Abed Nadir: “Our first assignment is a documentary. The’re like real movies, but with ugly people.”
Abed Nadir: “9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel market.”
Abed Nadir: “When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn’t such a big deal.”
Abed Nadir: “I looked inside Nicolas Cage and I found a secret: People are random and pointless.”
Abed Nadir: “I like football.. but also.. I don’t?” – Abed “Troy” Nadir
Abed Nadir: “I got self-esteem flowing out of my butt.”
Abed Nadir: “Six seasons and a movie!”
Abed Nadir: “I need help reacting to something.”
Abed Nadir: “You made me so happy I peed a little.”
Abed Nadir: “When the world gets bad enough, the good go crazy. But the smart.. they go bad.” – Evil Abed
Abed Nadir: “Jeff wants me to make an attack ad. So why is he a pedophile?”
Abed Nadir: “Movie reference”
Abed Nadir: “Did you know you can make napalm out of common dish soap and cat food?”
Abed Nadir: “I painted a tunnel on the side of the library. When it dries, I’m going for it.”
Abed Nadir: “It’s Wednesday, sometimes I eat in Jeff’s car. Don’t tell him.”
Ian Duncan: “It’s you, or me. And I’m me.”
Ian Duncan: “So.. what is anthropology? Seriously, does anyone know?”
Ian Duncan: “You, in the boobs!”
Ian Duncan: “This is why the English never win any sports, because everyone else cheats!”
Ian Duncan: “Damn you, you outlying piece of datum!”
Ian Duncan: “Sorry I’m late. The sidewalk is more comfortable than it looks.”
Annie Edison: “Oh my god! I’m finally popular enough to be in the yearbook!”
Annie Edison: “Everybody loves pelicans, they bring babies!”
Annie Edison: “I’m the smartest one in the group and all I’ve been used for is bait and distraction.”
Annie Edison: “I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guards used to lure me into traffic.”
Annie Edison: “Vaugh wants to show me a cloud that looks like a pumpkin!”
Annie Edison: “Freeze mamma-jamma!”
Troy Barnes: “Don’t eat the crab dip, YA YA!”
Troy Barnes: “Never change, or do. I’m not your boss.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “Baste you chubby cheeks in tears of gravy.”
Annie Edison: “They deploy things in football, right? I went for rhyme over clarity.”
Annie Edison: “It’s like prom. There’s a contest and if you win you get to wear a sash and a crown and I’m so jealous Britta I wanna murder you. Aren’t you excited?”
Annie Edison: “Guys? Shirley’s costume is once again unintentionally ambiguous. I don’t know who she’s supposed to be, but she’s definitely not Miss Piggy. Repeat: not Miss Piggy. You’re on your own.”
Annie Edison: “Your last blow-off class taught me to live in the moment which I will always regret and never do again.”
Annie Edison: “Rich just taught me how to make a flared lip and check for breast lumps!”
Annie Edison: “A passing grade? Like a C? Why don’t I just get pregnant at a bus station?”
Annie Edison: “Do you understand what a conspiracy is? When you conspire with everyone you come across, you’re not really conspiring with anyone. You’re just doing random crap.”
Annie Edison: “Whatevs, we’ll take it next semes. Ter. Semester.”
Troy Barnes: “Kettle corn?! That’s a fun time snack!”
Annie Edison: “That was a game. This is paintball.”
Troy Barnes: “I don’t get history. If I wanted to know what happened in Europe a long time ago, I’d watch Game of Thrones.”
Annie Edison: “Webster’s Dictionary defines? That’s the Jim Belushi of speech openings. It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why.”
Annie Edison: “Who the hell are you always texting? Everyone you know is here!”
Abed Nadir: “This is definitely the darkest timeline.” – Evil Abed
Annie Edison: “It’s a pen!”
Annie Edison: “Put it in a letter, Jane Austen!”
Annie Edison: “He was horny, so he dropped him. Man is evil!”
Annie Edison: “Accidents don’t just happen over and over and over again, okay? This isn’t budget daycare.”
Annie Edison: “Umm.. Bitter much?”
Jeff Winger: “I regret nothing” – Jeff Winger
Jeff Winger: “You are all better than you think you are, you are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.”
Jeff Winger: “Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions!”
Jeff Winger: “Doing more than the minimum amount of work is my definition of failing.”
Jeff Winger: “I see your value now.”
Abed Nadir: “Sometimes the hardest prisons to break out of, are the ones without locks.”
Jeff Winger: “Let’s do what people do. Let’s get a house we can’t afford and a dog that makes us angry.”
Jeff Winger: “We’re the only species on earth that observes shark week.”
Jeff Winger: “TV’s the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, Tv never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me.. unless you count Cop Rock.”
Jeff Winger: “I don’t have an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape.”
Jeff Winger: “Never listen to Pierce.”
Craig Pelton: “I had no idea alcohol makes people horny. Makes me sleepy.”
Craig Pelton: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dean!”
Jeff Winger: “Look at me. It’s clear to you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that, because that would make me an ass.”
Jeff Winger: “It’s called chemistry, I have it with everybody!”
Jeff Winger: “What am I not good at?”
Jeff Winger: “If crazy people can’t be at [school name], then where are we supposed to go?”
Jeff Winger: “Haul it, ball it, never call it. Girls are objects.”
Jeff Winger: “It’s a locomotive that runs on us!”
Jeff Winger: “I discovered at a very early age that if I talked long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So either I’m god, or thruth is relative. Either way: Booyah.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “We’re all kind of crazytown bananapants.”
Jeff Winger: “I’m no sociopath. I always know that what I’m doing is wrong. I’m just a guy who doesn’t like taking tests, doing work, and getting yelled at. So if you think about it, I’m the sanest person here.”
Annie Edison: “The name’s Annie Edison, but people call me Psycho, ’cause I had a nervous breakdown in high school. My partner’s a christian housewife. How can we help you?”
Jeff Winger: “I’m no politician I’m just a fella, I think that beer should be cold, and boots should be dusty. I think 9-11 was bad. And freedom? well, I think that’s just a little bit better.”
Jeff Winger: “The funny thing about being smart, is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work.”
Ben Chang: “Consider yourself Chang’d!”
Ben Chang: “I’m out. I Chang’d my mind.”
Jeff Winger: “Hey, did you hear about the turtle in China? Two packs a day!”
Jeff Winger: “I don’t step u to being a leader. I reluctantly accept it when it’s thrust upon me.”
Jeff Winger: “Don’t talk to me about romance. I had a three way in a hot air balloon.”
Jeff Winger: “I’m prepared for any insane adventure life throws our way and I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to every one of them.”
Jeff Winger: “I settled on a thruth today that is always going to be true: that I’ll do anything for my friends.”
Jeff Winger: “These people don’t want me to say what I’ll do, they want me to do what I’ll say!”
Pierce Hawthorne: “I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom”
Jeff Winger: “Why are we in such a rush to leave the tide pool when the only things waiting for us on shore are the sands of time and the hungry seagulls of slowly growing apart?”
Jeff Winger: “Well, it’s been real, but I have a date to catch. Or should I say.. A catch to date.”
Jeff Winger: “Oh, like you’re famous for your wit.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “That thing some call failure, I call living. Breakfast. And I’m not leaving until I’ve cleaned out the buffet.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “Streets ahead.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “Well I may be a genius, but I’m not a lesbian.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “Sexually harassing? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass someone who turnes me on?”
Pierce Hawthorne: “When we seek to destroy others, we often hurt ourselves, because it’s the self that wants to be destroyed.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “I’m confused.. When do we get our ice cream?”
Mix of extras: “I quit doing blow, not being rad.” – Alan Connor
Pierce Hawthorne: “Nice going, tweedledumb and ever tweedlerdumb!”
Pierce Hawthorne: “You never lived anywhere! You’re a weapon designed for sex. You only THINK you lived in New York because I implanted your memories.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “You’re also, quite frankly, a very weird-looking man. I don’t know you, but I just don’t trust you. And I don’t think I could grow to like you.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “I’ll shatter your world!”
Pierce Hawthorne: “Make your money, whore.”
Pierce Hawthorne: “Tell me how to get this laid back, or I’ll kill your families!”
Pierce Hawthorne: “I’m watching you two 24/2010.”
Craig Pelton: “Come on I’m dean, and my hands are so clean. At this moment, I am stapeling!”
Craig Pelton: “Sweet Deans.”
Mix of extras: “Leonard likes this post.” – Leonard Rodriguez
Mix of extras: “Rape’s up 8%.” – Officer Cackowski
Craig Pelton: “Oh, Britta’s in this?”
Britta Perry: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cancer. Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!”
Britta Perry: “Pizza, pizza, go in tummy, me so hungee, me so hungee!”
Britta Perry: “Why are you dressed like an ’80s rapist?”
Britta Perry: “A lifetime of dissapointment has given me douche-ray vision.”
Britta Perry: “I know the stakes aren’t really that high, but somehow that just makes it scarier.”
Britta Perry: “If I wanted the government in my uterus, I’d fill it with oil and Hispanic voters.”
Britta Perry: “Blaming a bridge collapse on a school is like blaming owls for why I suck at analogies.”
Britta Perry: “I know what a metaphor is! It’s like a thought with another thought’s hat on.”
Ben Chang: “I masturbated everywhere. EVERYWHERE!”
Ben Chang: “I ate my twin in utero.”
Ben Chang: “Fire can’t go through doors, stupid. It’s not a ghost.”
Ben Chang: “Shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!”
Ben Chang: “I am a Spanish genius! In Español, my nickname is El Tigre Chino! ‘Cause my knowledge will bite her face off!”
Ben Chang: “You have just been proven racist by the racist prover!”
Ben Chang: “Boop! Boop! My bullcrap meter is going crazy!”
Ben Chang: “Let me rest gently on you pecs.”
Ben Chang: “Proceed, Dr Teeth.”
Mix of extras: “What it is, soul brother!” – Leonard Rodriguez
Mix of extras: “Pop Pop!” – Magnitude
Mix of extras: “What a year! Only two pregnancy scares.” – Leonard Rodriguez
Mix of extras: “Only when we stop stopping our lives, can we begin to start starting them.” – Professor Whitman
Mix of extras: “I can’t count the reasons I should stay.. one by one they all just fade away.”
Mix of extras: “If I come over there, there are gonna be two sounds. Me hitting you.. twice.” – Buzz Hickey
Mix of extras: “I can’t believe I spent ten bucks on this! I don’t know any of these people!” – Random Guy
Mix of extras: “A little trick for achieving the proper competitive mindset: I always envision my opponent having aggresive sex with my mother” – Professor Whitman
Mix of extras: “Ain’t no party without drugs!” – Drugs
Mix of extras: “What the hell?” – Jim the Duck
Mix of extras: “Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.” – Jurgen
Mix of extras: “I fear a political career could shine a negative light on my drug dealing.” – Star-Burns
Mix of extras: “My name is Alex!” – Star-Burns
Jeff Winger: “To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone, but I would also never stand in line for it.”
Britta Perry: “The perfect Jeff Winger blow-off class: a class that doesn’t exist.”
Mix of extras: “Look, this dude doesn’t show up, we’re definitely going to Applebee’s, right? ‘Cause I’m getting in a fight no matter what today.” – Chuck Norris / – No-sleeves / – Mike
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